I am 42% WHAT?

There is no better way to start your year than getting your health assessed by the Associate Health team at work. In order to have our health insurance you must submit yourself to blood work analysis and biometric measurements to see how healthy you are. The point is that the better you are, the more bonus money gets transferred into your HSA account. This is not a volunteer program if you want the insurance. So Sunshine and I sent the kids to school and off we went.


I wore my lightest winter clothes to work (ahem, I wore a heavy coat and summer clothes underneath) and went to the appointment, where I was met by two EXTREMELY fit nurses. I had already done my blood work at the lab and was not very concerned about my Lipid panel. My cholesterol has always been good. My blood pressure: beautiful. Then, Goddess #1 pulls out a tape measure… I immediately tell her what I use to tell the OB nurse that weighed me during my pregnancies: “I don’t care for the numbers. Just take it and write it down, quietly.” She laughed. I grimaced.

Goddess #2 then asked me to take off my shoes and stockings and step on a scale that had metal plates on the top. After entering my age and height, she offered me to hold some metal instruments in each one of my hands. I had the suspicion that I was going to get fried, which I kind of did. An electric current was sent through my body to measure the composition of my body. Turns out, that electricity can easily flow through fat, but cannot travel as well through muscle. As I stood there waiting for the bolt of lightning, the machine buzzed and a piece of paper came out, like a tongue, mocking me.

Goddess #2 took me aside to explain the numbers to me. I told her it wasn’t necessary. She told me that the talk was a requirement. So I sighed and sat. Here is how it went:

Goddess#2: So here it says that your BMI is 29, that’s overweight; 30 would be considered obese.

LWWM: So what your saying is that I am borderline OBESE?

G#2: No, no! I can tell by looking at you that you are not obese. The machine does the calculation based on weight and height, not where the weight comes from and since you have been running for 2 months, this includes muscle weight.

LWWM: OK, so then what are these numbers?

G#2: Well, your total fat % in your body should not be higher than 31% and yours is 42.

LWWM: OH. MY. GOD. Are you telling me that I am 42% FAT????

G#2: Well… yeees… BUT, you have more muscle weight than fat weight and that is good.

LWWM: (Panicking) ARE YOU TAKING IN CONSIDERATION THESE HUGE BOOBS THAT MY HUSBAND LOVES? BECAUSE I CAN’T GET RID OF WHAT NATURE GAVE ME….

G2#: Calm down… It’s not that bad. There is room for improvement. Just lose the 20 pounds that you want to lose and you should be within the range. As long as your muscle mass is heavier than the fat weight, you are ok.

(You know that all I heard was: You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat. You’re 42% fat.)

THEN:

G#2: But look, your legs are REALLY strong! The running is already paying off! Your muscle mass in your legs is very good. Actually your numbers are better than mine.

Some other things were said, but I wasn’t paying attention anymore….

At the end of the appointment, I met back with Sunshine. He had his paper in his hand. “Let me see, honey”, I asked. “I don’t want to share”, he responded. Which only means: “My numbers are good and I am afraid of the wrath that this might bring upon my house and descendents.” So I smiled and took the paper from him..

And so they were. He had 32% fat… only 1% above the desired goal. He stepped back from me: “You’re going to punch me in the arm, aren’t you?”

I can’t deny it, I was proud of him. He is taking care of himself… but for a second, I did contemplate my very fit leg, kicking his extremely fit ass.