Friday, March 19, 2010

Fear keeps us from driving on the wrong side of the street, but it gives you nausea.

I know that I started this blog with grand illusions of being as witty as all the women whose blogs I follow. My life lately has not given me many opportunities to do so. I am trying to see the funny in all of it, and sometimes I can, but then there are days like yesterday.

Skywalker and I have a complicated relationship. After I almost lost him, it was hard for me to bond with him for a long time. Sunshine on the other hand, embraced parenthood in a way that I have only seen my father do. He adores his children. Skywalker and Sunshine have always been peas in a pod. I remember picking up Skywalker at daycare when he was a couple of years old, seeing him run up to me at full speed, just to short stop and say: “Where’s Papa?”

It seems that as easy as it is for me to communicate and understand Mini-me, with Skywalker I find myself faced with someone whose language I just don’t understand. Many times Sunshine has had to explain to me what is going on. As a first born boy, I do know that I am more stern with him. He is extremely intelligent but also very immature, which makes me want to knock my head against the wall. Usually Sunshine is my pressure cooker valve. You know, when I get very negative with Skywalker, or if I get very critical with him, or if I pick on him, Sunshine will point it out to me. I do the same thing between him and Mini-me.

Now that Sunshine is away during the week, I have had to deal with the boys all by myself. Needless to say, there isn’t enough time in the day to get everything done before bedtime, so the schedule is tight. There hasn’t been a lot of time for cartoons or videogames at our house. Given the nature of my relationship with Skywalker (which, in case you haven’t noticed, I love with every fiber of my being), I have been especially careful of my tone and the things I say to him.

I thought that all was working rather well until last Tuesday, when he came home with magnets from a science class. These magnets had been stolen by another boy in another grade and ended up in the possession of my child, who thought that they were “cool”. Now, Sunshine and I have had a couple of talks with Skywalker about coming home with toys that are not his. He can sweet-talk a bear out of the last bit of honey in the forest. So… needless to say, he got into a heap of trouble when he came home with stolen goods. A HEAP.

Then, he got in trouble again on Wednesday. This time for lying. I sent him to his room after dinner.

Last night, he lied to me again. When I asked him if he was getting in trouble on purpose, his answer was “Yes”. In total disbelief I asked him why. His response was that he wanted to be in his room. When we got home, I immediately called my interpreter (Sunshine) and asked him to talk to Skywalker and tell me what was going on. Skywalker told Sunshine that he was getting in trouble on purpose because getting sent to his room was safer than being around me. That he was afraid of me.


Ladies, you could’ve knocked me down with a feather, but you wouldn’t have to, because I choked and had the wind knocked out of me.

Sunshine told me to wait a bit and then go talk to the child and get to the bottom of the issue. So I did.

After putting Mini-me to bed, I went to Skywalker’s room and sat as far away as possible so he didn’t feel threatened by me. I spoke softly looked at him in the eye. Turns out, that he said that he was afraid of me, because he knows that when he gets in trouble, I make him suffer consequences. He is afraid of what I will do to him. He didn’t want to go to jail for stealing.

Remember that Cosby Show scene where Theo gives this speech on how his father needs to accept him the way he is and not try to change him and then Bill says: “Theo, that is the STUPIDEST thing I’ve ever heard?”That’s was what was going through my mind as my child spoke. In a calm voice (I was SO proud of myself) I said: “So you are afraid of me because YOU STOLE something?” He nodded. For he next hour we had a LONG heart to heart. I told him that his fear is healthy. How many times I DIDN’T do something in fear of my mom and her wrath at home? I explained to this boy, that fear was what I dealt with every night thinking that my son was stealing and lying. What would become of him if I couldn’t stop him? I explained that people with no fear end up in jail or dead. And that there is also the Fear of God. Not “scared” fear, but RESPECT fear.

I asked him if he was afraid of me when he came home late from his friends house. He said no. I asked him if he was afraid of me when he didn’t do his chores. He said no. I asked him, when are you afraid? When I steal, disobey or lie to you.

Many other things were said in this conversation. When he told me that he was afraid of going to jail and never seeing me or Sunshine or Mini-me again, he cried when I asked him how did he think WE would feel about not being able to see him either? He was surprised when I told him that I cry over him when I don’t know what to do. He was shocked when I told him that I was afraid of dear, sweet Abuela. He seem to understand that every time he leaves the house, I can’t go with him and make sure that he does the right thing, BUT, if the fear of what the consequence of his actions would be is enough to stop him from making the wrong choice, then fear was ok with me.

Still, I am trying to deal with the fear of having to deal with all this. I can barely keep my lunch down.


Much More Than Mommy said...

That would have thrown me for a loop too. It sounds like you are going to have a challenging yet ultimately fulfilling relationship with that one. (And that is one of my favorite episdoes of The Cosby Show.)

rental mobil said...

i really like the cozby show
funny show

Too Many Hats said...

Sounds like a really great talk you had with him. I think you handled it really well.